Thursday, August 30, 2012

A Normal Life

This weekend my husband is going to WorldCon, his first vacation in 5 years. I'm so glad he's going. We had a rough summer, and while I think I may have had it worse, his was no picnic. In addition to not having some down time while Diana was in summer school, I ended up in the ER twice with an infection caused by complications of a gastrointestinal condition. (At least that's what the docs think it was -- they weren't 100% certain.) I don't like doctors, I don't like hospitals, and I resent being treated like a pincushion. My bruises that resulted from the needles still haven't completely faded.

ANYway. Yes, I am very glad he's going. He deserves the break. He worried about me, and I think I shook him up a little with that 104º fever. At the same time, I am jealous. This time last year, I was reminiscing about the awesome time I had on my latest trip to Ontario. My anticipated trip this year fell through, because of health issues on my end, and scheduling issues on the other end. And if ever there was a year I needed a vacation, this was it.

I hate this feeling of being jealous of my husband getting to do something so fantastic as WorldCon. The annual convention is a traveling one, it's not always in Chicago; last year it was in Reno, Nevada, and in 2010 it was in Melbourne, Australia. When he mentioned it to me, months ago, I insisted he go. And it's not even jealousy because I want to go, too, it's jealousy that he's getting to go somewhere and do something that's fun and interesting with like-minded people. I wanted to go to C2E2 this year; that didn't work out. I would have loved to go to Geek Girl Con, but that was the weekend right before Diana started school, and there's no way that was going to work out. Hell, I even though the Fan Expo up in Toronto would have been cool, but (say it with me!) that didn't work out. There are tons of small cons and ginormas cons all over the United States and Canada. There's a bunch within an easy drive from home. But how much fun would they be alone? And I'd have to go alone, because we can't take Diana to them (too crowded, and she'd be so bored).

I suppose what it boils down to is that I'd really like to have a normal life, whatever the hell that means. I don't want to have to worry about how we're going to manage to go to a con (or even on a date!) because we don't have anyone nearby who can stay with Diana while we're gone. I want to be able to book a hotel for the three of us and go to something like C2E2 and have her be engaged by stuff there, too. But we can't. Autism is part of who she is, and this is what my life is.

I live online. Sometimes it feels like I am living my life through the experiences of others, but when I am constrained by circumstances, living vicariously is better than nothing.

Some days I take naps, just so I am not conscious for a while.

Yes, I am aware: this is depression. I've been here before. I'll be here again. This is my normal...

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